i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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