There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
This house was built for laser tag.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
