Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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