But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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