chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
