i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
