Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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