Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
