The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
