so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
