Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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