I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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