the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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