Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
