I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
