you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
