I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
