in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
