Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
