ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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