i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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