My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
