I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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