Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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