true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
