Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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