So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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