Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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