how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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