I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
