I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
