My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
