Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
