Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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