Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
