I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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