If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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