You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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