I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
