My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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