Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
