There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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