Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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