News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
