I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
