your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just had sex bonerless
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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