I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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