i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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