Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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