I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
